I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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