true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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