Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
