My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
