i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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