As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
