All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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