haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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