I am puke
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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