I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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