On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
