I'm lost and stupid without you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
