I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
