I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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