are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Someone shattered a urinal.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
