Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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