We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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