break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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