he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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