it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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