Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
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