Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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