Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Randomize