piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
