Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
