Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
