My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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