Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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