News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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