your parents love me but you hate me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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