Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
