im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
