I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize