A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
porn star boner night. come get it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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