my soul wont recognize me after tonight
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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