i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
