Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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