got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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