she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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