This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
