I hate all girls vehemently.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
