This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
