So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
