just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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