So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
