Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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