Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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