There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
