Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you had me at cake vodka
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
