Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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