eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
