I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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