I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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