2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
