you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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