The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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