she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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