In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
