Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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