I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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