I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
