Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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