is your mom at the bar?
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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