my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
someone owes me an orgasm
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
