you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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